How I Learned to Embrace My Fan Persona
We have all experienced overhearing an enthusiastic and insightful conversation in a school hallway or a supermarket aisle about our favourite artists.
Your ears perk up, your eyes become fixed on the group passing or standing in your path, and your brain swells with your own thoughts and opinions on the topic. You want nothing more than to throw yourself into the conversation to save yourself from exploding with repressed fangirl energy. But in reality, you listen to as much of the passing conversation as you can and keep your thoughts to yourself, letting them fester below the surface; forever anticipating the moment you get to voice them. In some settings, showcasing your fan persona is easier than others, it may not be an appropriate time to share what makes up the background music to your everyday life. But how often do you end up keeping your fan persona close to your chest? And how much do you hinder its potential for growth by not embracing that side of your personality?
Growing up, I was naturally shy but I had so much love for the things I enjoyed and found it impossible to break the chains of my low self-esteem to share how much music meant to me. There was a strong desire to join in on the fun others were having discussing the songs that made their personalities pop and the artists that made them swoon. But I just could not bring down the walls that caged the love I had for my favourite artists. It was not just being shy or not wanting to impede on someone else’s discussion that was stopping me from fully embracing a huge part of my personality, it was also trying to navigate a world where the majority of my peers did not know, or even like, the same music as I did that made me second-guess jumping straight into conversations. I struggled to relate to the next big song topping the charts and most of the time, it was a completely different genre to what I was used to. Additionally, where I would go all out with badges, merchandise, and band tshirts, my peers would appear to have a more low-key way of supporting their top artists. Where I would have an album nestled in my bag, hoard unique pictures of my idols on my camera roll, as well as saving up my pocket money to buy concert tickets, there seemed to be a more quiet fan culture around me as I attempted to accept how powerful my feelings for my favourite artists were. During my early days of living with my strong fan persona, the only way I knew how to manage it was to find a remote corner with my headphones and shower myself with my favourite songs.
With every tune there was a desire to shout my love for what made my heart swell and tears come to my eyes, but there was a fear that my loud fan persona would be exposed and dissected. As if I felt shame for feeling strongly about the music I liked.
Growing into my fan persona, I was able to manage this side of my personality through engaging in the small but wonderful pockets of the internet exclusively designed for fan culture. I learned to be curious about others’ music tastes no matter how opposite they were to my own; and I even ventured on a journey of self-acceptance that allowed me to be completely vulnerable with others. For a very long time I carried shame and fear surrounding my fan persona and I wanted to embrace it as comfortably as my peers appeared to.
Online fandoms
Online fandoms have never been a rare sighting on the wide web, and they have only been growing larger and more influential in recent years. Throughout my journey of accepting my fan persona, I sought connection, collaboration, and consistency with the content I read and engaged with, as well as through what I posted. Online communities allowed me to anonymously channel the love I had for music in a way that brought people together and cultivated authenticity in areas where I was not seen as strange or different. Sharing memes, contributing to Reddit threads, or leaving album reviews on fan websites were my favourite ways of keeping that consistency and connection flowing in a world I would spend hours getting lost in. It could be argued that I was still hiding in plain sight and continuing to avoid real-life interactions that may have given me a similar haven for expressing myself. However, without exploring those parts of the internet I would not have been exposed to the wholesome experience of traversing online fandoms and discovering the welcoming nature of fangirls.
It is not uncommon for online fan communities to create safe spaces for users to grow and nurture their fan personas. Debating theories, dissecting albums, or simply leaving a comment on how effective music is, there is something for new and old fans. Surprisingly, it had not occurred to me until much later that those same enthusiastic and devoted fans would be the exact same people in my day-to-day life who would love nothing more than to have the same conversations face-to-face rather than behind a keyboard.
Being curious
Alongside being too afraid to show my fan persona to peers who shared the same music tastes as me, I feared engaging in discussions about music that was completely different to what I was used to. It felt like navigating uncharted territory with the risk of butting heads over differences. What if my music tastes were seen as absurd or I would be perceived in a negative light for what I liked to listen to? Especially when more mainstream tunes were played constantly and loved by many. When I saw that no one else seemed to support their favourite artists through purchasing merchandise or carrying albums around with them, I felt isolated and too far removed from my peers.
It wasn’t until I was asked what sort of music I listened to and naturally developed an authentic conversation about music and how it influenced my life that I realised it does not matter how different someone’s tastes are. The excitement and adoration fans feel about their idols is universal. Realising this alone made it much easier to be curious about how varying styles of music influenced others. Popularity and how mainstream an artist is doesn’t make their songs any less effective in influencing how a person experiences them or how fans support their creations.
Accepting myself
Finally, it took accepting every aspect of myself, not just music tastes alone, that allowed me to completely embrace my fan persona. After all, music was, and still is, a huge part of me. I listen to it everyday and keep tabs on new releases religiously. Without the other areas of my personality being welcomed and slotted into a positive space, my fan persona had no plot to fully flourish. This journey took longer than simply talking to my peers more and engaging with the fangirl corners of the internet. It required finding my authentic self through journaling, digging deeper into why I wanted to hide myself; following what made my heart lift; and finally taking the leap to let people in.
A key component in me finally accepting myself was how many singers and bands are so open and vulnerable about experiencing a steady wave of self-doubt and anxiety when creating an album. They have no idea until the launch of their music how their creations are going to be perceived. And yet, they take that leap, resulting in people like us creating websites, forums, and communities that celebrate them. Artists constantly break the chains that could have stopped us from experiencing their talents, so what was the worst that could happen if I accepted myself for the sole purpose of discussing those talents?
Every lover of music will have their own ways of embracing their fan personas, which is how we have a blossoming ocean of fangirl websites and social media pages to begin with. Without exploring the different ways in which fans interact with music and artists, and embracing our own ways of supporting them, our fan personas get repressed and suffer under the weight of self-doubt and uncertainty. As a big part of our personalities, our love for music deserves to be seen and celebrated. Conversations that peak at admiration and excitement are a huge factor in cultivating safe and positive spaces for those of us who still struggle with accepting our fan personas. If you have yet to fully embrace this side of your personality, remind yourself why you are a fan of the music or artist you adore. What are you looking for when you explore a fan website or scroll through a fan page? How does your favourite song make you feel? Chances are, your peers feel a very similar way and also long for an opportunity for their fan persona to finally take the lead of a conversation.
